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Saturday, July 26, 2003:

My horoscope for the day said to make sure I discuss what I am feeling with the people I care about but to only touch upon subjects lightly and have simple and easy conversations about said feelings. Last night I talked with Kyria, Kristen, and Joel for over an hour per person and today I can pretty much guarantee I talked Nick’s ears off about how I “felt”… could you define all that as light and simple conversation? I mean, I did keep the tears and the yelling to a minimum for the most part, I guess that is “touching upon lightly”, right? *rolls eyes*

I am a mess.

This is why I never did well in therapy… each time I try to talk to someone about my feelings I feel progressively worse. I would rather act as though I feel fine than deal with the confusion and annoyances that I bring myself when I try to portray to others what I am going through, it is just too motherfucking complicated. I feel now as though I have caused more damage in trying to help certain situations and that I should have just let shit ride and fix itself rather than stick my nose in my own business… I hope (but doubt) that that in itself makes sense to you people. I still maintain the intention of getting a new job and getting back into school and once I do I have plans to build a new life for myself. As silly as it sounds, the drastic change in my hairstyle was like a first step to becoming someone new, I needed that change. I can look at myself in the mirror now and envision the person I will be this time next year if I continue in my efforts for personal growth, and I am pleased with what I see. I want desperately to be someone different. They say that you can’t just move on and expect your problems not to follow you, so I am more or less trying to get my problems to not recognize me :)

Again, I am looking forward to seeing if this new job opportunity pans out, and I have an appointment on Saturday morning of next week to meet again with the education coordinator at the school I hope to start this September. I expressed a concern to Nick today that I will be spending nearly a year enrolled in these Medical Administration courses and that is an entire year of my life that I could be spending in an actual college, as I still have plans on getting a 4 year degree. But thinking back on that makes me realize that I have spent the last 3 years working full time rather than pursuing school, and if I do not enroll in this school I will undoubtedly spend this following year sitting, once again, on my ever-widening ass. These courses, though not what I had imagined for myself, are steps forward and they are (thankfully) steps forward in the exact direction I would like my life to go, so I had better take the chance while I have it.

For those of you who can understand where I am coming from and whom are supporting my decisions to reform myself: Thank God for you.

Those of you who would like me to stay as I am now for any reason, whether it be so you can keep me down on your levels so that you are not left out on the lower rungs of the ladder or if you think the person I have become is the best person I can be then please find another bottom feeder to cater to you. I am exhausted, and I can no longer be everyones best friend. I hope you'll understand...

I want to be better, and if you love me then you’d let me… I’d do it for you.

QueenBee // 5:35 PM

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Wednesday, July 23, 2003:

I hate this place. There is yet another rumor going around about me, this time that I am pregnant by a drill Sargent (this being an inside pun)

I truly hope that I get a new job within, like, a week. I also hope to start school again in September and I have mentioned this to a number of friends, none of whom seem really supportive but all that really tells me is that I apparently need new friends, and I hope to get some if I do go back to school. I plan on starting night classes this fall for an 11 month course in Medical Administration. As I mentioned I have every intention of finding a new place of work before I get into those courses so that I am not worrying about getting fired and being stuck with unemployment issues and student loan bills- that would be hell, wouldn't it? One thing is for sure, when I leave this company I will no longer be speaking to 95% of the people I do now, and the day I leave I will be deleting nearly each and every CL-related phone number out of my cell's address book. I can think of about 3 people I will continue a relationship with, omitting the people I babysit for, of course. To give you an idea of the people I plan on staying friendly with just think "Who does not annoy the B?" That in itself should rule out most people who come to mind.

And no, Kyria, that does not include you- quit fretting.

It does, however, include all of your friends... Sorry guys.

QueenBee // 10:00 PM

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Sunday, July 20, 2003:

Please read: If you have the intention of but have not yet completed reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix you may want to skip the following, as it is a simple rambling of a disgruntled Potter fan… thank you.

***

I just finished the fifth novel in the Harry Potter series. The book was really good. Omitting the ending, of course. In all of the other books there is horrendous dueling and a fantastic climax when it comes to Harry and Voldemort. Yet, in this book, they don’t even fight one another. It is a one page description of Voldemort and Dumbledore fighting, and then the villian just up and vanishes...

That is supposed to tide us over for the next 3 years?

How booty is that? Yes- that is exactly what I thought… very booty.

QueenBee // 9:38 PM

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~The blog of the ever cynical but occasionally humorous QueenBee~

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