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Thursday, July 10, 2003:

I checked my horoscope for the day and this is what it said...

Although you may feel confused about the actions of a certain person, don't let thoughts about what might have happened poison your mind and make you feel angry or irritated with them. Right now you may be making a mountain out of a molehill, and not really have any idea about what is actually going on. The celestial energy urges you to be open and honest.

I think it pertains perfectly to the post below.

QueenBee // 6:53 PM


I am feeling a little better today, physically at least. I had an unusual high school backflash recently, and that caused me to flip my lid a bit, so emotionally I am pretty worn out...

I can’t understand what prompts someone to be so stupid… I mean, this person was attempting to be vengeful, but he did it in such a childish and tasteless fashion that I am having a hard time being angry about it. Rather, I pity the fact that he thought something was important enough to do what he did, and that he is still attached to the point where he is acting on his bitterness *shrugs* Oh well, what are you gonna do? I am just going to let it go and not give him the satisfaction of being upset about it.

He doesn’t deserve that from me.

QueenBee // 4:43 PM


Monday, July 07, 2003:

In the past year nothing has changed with Jefery- He still presumes to know each and every thing that there is to know about me, and he vocalizes those assumptions with such confidence that I even begin to believe some of the rubbish he comes up with. Last night he made the observation that since our relationship ended I have become a shell, and an “ugly” shell, at that. Apparently I am no longer a person (in reality the truth is that I am still a person, just not the one that he met in freshman year of high school) I will admit that I am no longer that girl who used to fawn over him, and tell him how he was my everything only to hear it back from him tenfold. I am not as sweet and innocent as I once was, and our families no longer hear wedding bells when we’re together, though that is only because we’re never together anymore in the first place. I still think a part of everyone assumes that Jef and I will be a couple on some level until the end of time. I would be willing to bet that there is an above average chance that I will spend the rest of my life with that man, though I can’t say that pleases me like it used to. We’re just addicted to one another, plain and simple. We have had an on-again, off-again relationship for the past 6 or 7 years, and we still love one another very deeply, but there is a lot of resentment and underlying frustration between us and that is going to take more than one drunken conversation to resolve, try as I did last night to reason with him. After a few futile attempts in trying to defend and justify the person I have become I just flat out gave up, knowing I could not win. I told him I loved him and kissed his forehead and went and hung out with another one of my ex’s (my boyfriends from high school are like lemmings, they travel in packs, right before they all jump off the same cliff) Spending time with Ron was nice, a lot less stressful than my previous company. And though the time with him brought on a few surprises I am glad I was able to see him, and I hope to spend time with him again soon, I appreciate his honesty and genuine affection- it was refreshing. I am sure I will go back and visit once the rough waters die down. Because, despite all of the drama above, I am still trying to focus on my current relationship with Nick, and I want to make that work more than just about anything. I just don’t understand some men and their reasoning. I want to make them see that emotionally I am built more like a male, that I can’t do the relationship thing like my friends can, I don’t jump from boyfriend to boyfriend. I am not in love all the time, and I don’t fall for everyone I get my hands on. I think that is more fair than the alternative- if I am choosing to be with you on a relationship basis then that is something I have thought over and it is a decision I made with my heart in the right place, and it would be something I would be willing to dedicate myself to. And I would do that for you… but I need a reason in order to understand what it is that you said you wanted, or this is all going to go downhill. I apologize in advance if that happens, hopefully that will suffice and I will never have to actually say that outloud.
QueenBee // 4:27 PM


Sunday, July 06, 2003:

I am relatively unhappy today.

I feel like a child whose parents bought them a box of paper Valentines for distribution to their friends, but then told by said parents that they are not allowed to give a single Valentine away.

So what the hell am I supposed to do with all of these Valentines then?

What if I want to spread Valentines Day wishes and love to other people I care about?

How am I going to do that if I can’t even take the damned things out of the box?

Why did you give them to me in the first place, motherfucker?

*exasperated sigh*

I hate limits and restrictions, especially ones that come with no reasoning.

QueenBee // 7:17 PM


In light of recent events, I have come up with my final requests for the two most loveable, yet gullable, underage uber-dykes in Cali...

Morgan- Sit on my face.

Vanessa- Watch, you might learn a thing or two.


Life is good.

QueenBee // 12:35 AM


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