QueenBee's blogspot...

Saturday, July 05, 2003:

I feel pathetic.
QueenBee // 3:35 AM


Thursday, July 03, 2003:

I just completed a letter to my late best friend Shayla’s mother Wanda. I mainly did this so that when I send it I can put photocopies of the scrapbook pages I made for Shayla after she passed, which I feel I owe her mother.

While I feel better about writing her it also brought up some memories that I would have preferred to have forgotten. The main scenario would be from the night of the accident when Wanda called my cell phone. She only did so to ask me to call Kyria and have her come down to the hospital, as though there were no reason for me myself to be bothered.

Shayla had been my best friend- I never felt more rejected or alone in my entire life than I did that night after that phone call with Wanda.

I wonder when (and if) I will ever let that bitterness go?

QueenBee // 6:57 PM


Wednesday, July 02, 2003:

So Kevin is staying out in Albuquerque. Not only that, but Jenn (the ex before me) is moving out there to be with him, and they will be relocating back to Vegas together once they find a place out here. Just letting you all know…

laishefoaishgfieohafgoieahg. Okay, now I feel much better.

I also updated my blurty site, readable here :

QueenBee // 10:33 PM


Tuesday, July 01, 2003:

I really think things are starting to pick up… or at least, they are on their way to starting to pick up. It’s funny, when something in my life goes downhill (ie: a relationship) something else seems to go uphill (ie: my job) and that is exactly what seems to be occuring today. I feel truly content at the moment with most things in my life, and the things that are bothering me are only doing so slightly. There are individuals that may think I am angry or bitter with them right now, but that is far from the actual truth. I am developing a new policy for myself when it comes to dealing with people- If I feel myself starting to become negative, I am just going to up and leave the situation alone. It is better to be perturbed than to be pissed off, so I am choosing to walk away at the first sign of trouble. If I am with you and I begin to seem distant, or I shrug something off, or I even get up and walk away from you please understand that I am doing so for the benefit of both of us. It is better for me to take that route than to get upset, trust me on that one. Other than that, I am feeling glorious, despite the fact that I am at work. I am just sitting here eating Jalapeno sunflower seeds and drinking LiveWire Mountain Dew, hoping that things go through and I will be able to go to nursing school here pretty soon. I don’t want to jinx myself so I won’t say much more than what I had said before- things really are looking up. Do me a favor and pray that they stay that way :)
QueenBee // 7:37 PM


Monday, June 30, 2003:

So I weighed myself the other day at a friends house, and suggested to her afterwards that she invest in a new scale- hers seemed to be quite a bit off. I then weighed myself today at my grandparents house, and nearly passed out when I saw that the number that populated on their scale was the same as the one I had seen on the scale at my friends house. Tell me, how does one gain 20 pounds in a month? Especially when said one has more or less cut fast food out of one's diet and begins to exercise more than one has in years? Though I am having a hard time accepting the poundage that is Bee, I have also found that I have become more comfortable with my weight in the past few months. That may be attributed to the fact that I have someone around who actually likes my body the way it is and manages to tell me so each time I need to hear it, without me even asking him to. Even so, I have never been this heavy in my life and had never imagined that I would be (I was skinny skinny skinny until the end of my freshman year of high school when I sloshed over into the “average” category. I maintained an average body until very recently, when I tipped the scales into my own version of “fat”) I know that this weight is unhealthy for me, and though that is a concern I find myself in a space where I don’t have energy enough to do anything about it. On the other side of the coin I also can’t foresee myself getting any heavier, but if I do I will probably just remove one of my limbs to balance out the weight gain. Maybe all of my little apendages, like my ears and toes and my whomping knockers...

Hell, those alone would probably equal the weight of an elephant fetus, maybe I should just go get a reduction rather then go through all that exercise and diet garbage *LOL* Whose with me on that one?

QueenBee // 9:57 PM


Sunday, June 29, 2003:

My day… Events of notable-ness numbered as they occurred.

1) After an eventful evening my friend Amber and I went back to my place with her son, Hunter, and passed out in my bed. I woke up this morning with my face next to this blond 2 year old boy, who was sucking his thumb and holding his sippy cup, still fast asleep. Although that was a perfectly lovely thing to have happened it was yet another jab in my heart reminding me of exactly what I am missing.
2) I managed to get up and out of the house without too bad of a confrontation with my father. We did talk but my responses were more or less “Yes, dad”, “You’re right, dad”, and “Yes, I understand” just so I could avoid a fight.
3) Went to church with my grandparents and then headed on down to Mimi’s Café for some lunch. We arrived at the restaurant and they told us the wait could be a half of an hour, so my grandmother went to reach for a chair to sit in. A guy in his 20’s a few chairs away told her that all of the seats surrounding him were taken. My grandma asked “All of them?” and then the young man got nasty with her and told her to count the chairs around him, that that’s how many were taken. I looked him in the eye and glared a bit, then called him a dipshit. He shut the fuck up, until of course his table was ready and he turned to my grandmother and said “Now you can have all of the chairs, ma’am” My grandma gave him a look of detest and said in perfect Southern snooty fashion “I don’t want your chairs”- It was great.
4) And speaking of which, the food at Mimi’s was also great until I saw what they used to garnish it with… there was a dead ladybug under my fries. The cause of death was apparent, my ladybug had been cooked. Her little wings were all brown and crispy like, it was very sad. Everyone was freaking out, including the staff, about the fact that there was a bug in my food, but I was more traumatized about the poor thing. Can you imagine being cooked to death in fry grease? Ugh… Anywho, they took my food off the tab and apologized profusely. I was just counting my stars that it was just a ladybug, any other bug would have been a zillion times worse. My grandpa kept teasing the waitress and asking her if she was sure it wasn’t just a new item on the menu… My grandparents are kick ass.
5) Went to Nick’s house…
6) I arrive to work 2 minutes late. For those of you who are aware of what is going on in my work life you would know that I only have one half of an incident left on my attendance record until they separate me from the company, and that today’s late would be that one incident However, due to the fact that it was only two minutes the logins won’t generally count it as a tardy. I got that good news from my supervisor, right before he handed me 3 write ups for 3 other separate things *sigh* I just can’t win.
7) Check my email to find that I have a new online friend. A lovely lady found my site and was concerned about the recent depressing information I have been posting. She suggested I try therapy (in the most loving and adorable way possible that one could use to offer up such advice) I let her know that I had my fill of that long ago, but I appreciated her concern, which I truly do. When strangers express more worry than your friends, though, that’s when things get really sad. Anyway, the best part about her is her birthday is the day after mine and she lives in San Fran, which is just the coolest. So Happy Belated Birthday to you, too, Willo! Hope it was a good one…
8) I am still at work. I get off in an hour and a half… horrah. I don’t know what the rest of the evening holds for me, I am guessing I will be calling a friend who seems to be in current distress and seeing what I can do to help fix that. Maybe it will get my mind off of my day thus far.

QueenBee // 9:40 PM


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~The blog of the ever cynical but occasionally humorous QueenBee~