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Thursday, May 29, 2003:

I stepped away from myself for a moment and tried to evaluate my life from another person’s perspective and found some things out that I would never have been able to see on my own. I found more love for people than I ever could have imagined that it was possible to have and I found it in places and in people that I never suspected deserved it. I found that, despite open animosity and hostility towards some of my friends, I truly need some of them like I need air. I have one friend whom, without our bitter battles, I would not be as half as witty and alive as I am now. Another person came to me like a mirror, forcing me to see myself as I truly am, then held my hand while I learned to accept what I saw. I have other friendships I maintain only because doing so gives me a pick me up, and being a support system for those people gives me a reason to exist. Those are the needy, the dependant… the ones that cause me to be thankful that I have a brain in my head and know how to use it, unlike they do. Even so, I need them as much as they need me, for entirely different reasons. I have never been in love, despite what I had told myself at the time- I still believe the closest to love I have ever been was with Morgan. I also learned that I can’t make myself fall in love with anyone and I should stop trying, especially with my current relationships. It’s not fair to fake it. There are also people in my life that I could not care less about, and while that is sad even to me, I can still guarantee that if they were not around tomorrow I would not bat an eye and I have no regrets about feeling that way. Period. I accepted the fact that I love my father, though I will probably never forgive him and don’t necessarily like the man. I discovered that the friends and family I once had that have passed still hold more attention and often importance than those living, and while I don’t mean things to be that way they just require more energy now than they did while alive. I am angrier at the dead than I should be, and between cursing and crying to them there is no healthy balance, and it takes a lot out of me. I really did not understand how I felt about much of anyone until I stepped outside of my own box and thought about it from someone else’s point of view. I am pleased at some things I discovered, perturbed by others, but I feel better in the space I currently find myself in relation to other people. I think that was the whole point :)
QueenBee // 9:06 PM


Wednesday, May 28, 2003:

After a really long day, what could possibly be better than a nice hot shower in a quiet and dark bathroom... ?

... A nice hot shower in a quiet and dark bathroom with someone's face betwixt your legs.


Yeah, that about covers my night ;)

QueenBee // 3:48 AM


Monday, May 26, 2003:

I updated my blurty.com journal, believe it or not- something I had not done since the end of March. Just a few consentrated thoughts caused me to jot some stuff down and I felt it was note-worthy, not because of the writing quality but because of the content... read it if you must. And for those of you who are Imood affiliated... no more will you be receiving "Thanks for caring" crap from me... I am all Imooded out. If you can't be bothered enough to check my site to see how I am doing then you have no business knowing how I feel... but there will always be my site, unless of course I get tired of making an effort in communicating my thoughts to you this way and I remove it as well... As of now, though, I can't forsee that. Oh, and before I go, one big ass congrats to my dear friend Amanda, who is getting married... again. Good thing, too, Patrick sounds just plain lovely. The world needs more redheads, and those two beautiful babies need a daddy. I wish her the best, but I also wish I get to be there in person when the time comes :) Not every day a K-Grouper ties the knot *wink* And on that note, I am signing off... gotta go be bitter.
QueenBee // 12:03 AM


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