QueenBee's blogspot...

Monday, April 28, 2003:

I can recall no negative memories during the time that we were together omitting the time I judged him for issues from his past, and even that instance ended in the first exchange of "I love you's", so I find it hard to see even that as a bad thing. I can't think of a time in my life that I were as happy in a relationship as I was when I was with him. We never argued, we always laughed. He made me giddy... he made me feel beautiful. He said that I made him feel that he were important- He was. As important as air... Maybe more so. I spoke of him highly, which was an uncommon occourance in itself, and I never shyed away from him or created distance once things got good. As most of you know I will often (always) create a big stretch of space between myself and another person if I begin to feel even remotely happy... it's an odd approach to a defense mechanism. But I never did this with him. We were pleased to be in one another's company... and life was better than I can remember it ever being, truly. We agreed on that for the both of us, and in doing so we decided that we wanted to feel that way always and forever, and so marriage was brought up. About that time, he had to go. We had one months notice- it went by in a blink, and he was gone. We cried... well, he cried more then I did but I always had an emotional deficiency, so the tears averaged out in the end. We moped together, we sent emails and letters and pictures and gifts and there was an abundance of phone calls. Things were looking up, we knew there was only a matter of time before he would come back and we would get through it together. This was just a test... But then there was an accident. A death. A funeral. Alcohol. An ex. A good "friend". A big bed in an upstairs bedroom that felt so familiar. I told him, of course, I believe in that kind of honesty... but with the confession came the consequnce and before I knew it the calls and emails just tappered off until they became nothing and I lost him. I suppose "gave him up" is more realistic, but I missed him nonetheless. There were others after him. People I thought could take his place but no one I could feel that way around... until recently. I did happen to meet someone who makes me feel like I can be the person I was 8 months ago... He also makes me giddy :) I thought that maybe I would be able to begin a new happiness with this person and I was truly ready to do that with him... So many boundaries crossed already, why not keep on this way? So here I was, about to make that jump, and then BOOM. The news. What news? The news that Kevin is going to be moving back much earlier than anticipated, as in soon. And now I am finding myself pushing away at this new found happiness, and the sad thing is that I am all out of reasons why. Kev and I won't be together again... I don't expect that I will even be seeing him, and yet I am still giving up what is good for me in the present, and I am doing it actively. The new guy must think I am crazy... I think I am doing him a favor. And I think I might miss my ex more than I ever dreamed I could... Either that or I miss the idea of being in a happy relationship again, but if that is the case then why the hell can't I see myself invoved with someone new?
QueenBee // 12:39 AM


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