QueenBee's blogspot...

Saturday, April 26, 2003:

So I was sitting there watching another SNL re-run (an unfortunate obsession aquired from being hoddled up in my room with no one to talk to since Thursday) and the cartoon The Ambiguously Gay Duo came on. I was struck with the odd but funny realization that one of the members of that homo-engineered crime fighting team looked almost exactly like someone I had been dating around this time last year... No names mentioned, of course, not that it makes any difference. I am strangley fascinated by this discovery and I really want to ask him to put on a pair of tights and to take me out for a ride in his penis-mobile the next time I see him, though it would all be in jest... Not even a million dollars would get me even near his penis-mobile again, I can assure you, but just the fact that I would ask him that makes me feel all warm inside- doing him mental damage always did perk me up :)
QueenBee // 9:32 PM

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Friday, April 25, 2003:

I have come to a conclusion in the last day or so- I should have died instead of Shayla. Now, before you go accuse me of being either dramatic or suicidal, look at the facts with me here… If I had died, and Shayla had been left around, things in everyone’s lives would have been much easier. I have a sister, so my father would not have been left childless, unlike Wanda. Kyria and Mike would have been happier- Kyria would have had that friend to come over and hang around the house and have dinner with, the friend whom she stopped typing 5 seconds for when she came to her desk during work. And Mike would have had someone he liked and appreciated and someone he could respect as an employee (Apparently, even with all of her interaction and drama-of-late around the Keyser’s the girl still had morale) David would have had someone to hang out with around them because, unlike he and I, Shayla and David never fought. There would be peace amongst the group. If I had died and Shayla had not then she and Chris could still have their little thing, but this time there would be no cause to worry that I was trying to steal him from her, so there is a big fucking gap of problems removed there, too. If I had been killed in some traffic colision because I drove too fast and did not wear a seat belt I think maybe I would have been a warning to others, not a ‘tragic accident’ that spoofed out of nowhere, and that preacher at the funeral would have semi-fit-in, because I actually believe in God. If Shayla had lived there would be no hinderance on when and where to hang out with our friends because she was old enough and brave enough to do just about anything with anyone, which is maybe why she fit in in the first place. Unlike myself, who is more like a big square trying to fit into a circle slot with the rest of you. Not ever feeling welcome or loved, just tolerated because I was the oddball left here to help pick up the pieces from another girls life gone wrong. After all, when all was said and done I couldn’t even claim the title of the “best friend” anymore, so what good was I in the first place? So you go ahead and write your imoods about how you know your place and worth and how if someone can’t see you for the friend you are you don’t need them and blah blah blah blah blah because we all already knew where you were coming from and where you belonged. You never have to worry about what you “friends” really think of you and what they are saying when you are not around because you’re just fucking ‘it’… You will never feel alone or demeaned or left out anywhere because things just go perfect for you, like they should. I wish you had your friend back. You and Shayla were so great together. It’s funny, I used to think that about myself, too, but that is before things became so blindingly obvious. So here it is, the apologies I am sure you have all been waiting for. I am sorry David that I am still bitter that we treated each other so badly and that I feel I still should be harsh to you, but it’s better than really feeling anything. And I am sorry Mike that I am not afraid to admit how fucking bad Clientlogic is and that I don’t agree with many of your policy changes, though I understand that you are doing them for the better-ment of the company. But just because I think you are wasting your time and that I tend to be loud or have a sense of humor or even because I am younger does not mean I have no fucking morale or that I don’t know how to do my job. Sorry to Chris, for whatever bad thing you can come up with that I have done this time. And a big ass sorry to Kyria. I am so bloody sorry that I have an opinion about things or feelings. I know I should find someone else to express some of them with but for some reason I felt you were the only person I could talk to about them… I never found someone who really listened after Shayla died except for you, and I suppose I never really found someone I could look up to like a mother until I met you, either. I am sorry I looked at you in such a maternal light at times but I just don’t really have anyone who cares about me like that, I felt like you did. I know that sometimes I can be a pain or have too much to say about something but I don’t have anywhere else to go with what is in my head or my heart and I know you can’t handle that burden… I apologize. You know what you are worth and I know what you are worth but I just don’t know what I am worth… it isn’t up to you to tell me what that is, though. Sorry about that. And sorry to Shayla… I think right now I would trade places with you if I could, can’t really think of a reason not to.
QueenBee // 3:10 PM

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Thursday, April 24, 2003:

There are 3 people in Nevada other than my family that I would stay in contact with if I moved and changed my name. Considering the great amount of people that I know in this state, the odds are you are not one of those 3. If you ask me whether or not you are one of those individuals I will undoubtedly answer in your favor. I am probably lying... Reason being I don't want to hurt your feelings and I want to continue to make you feel important as I always have tried to, because it makes things much easier as long as I have to continue dealing with you. But, once again, odds are you probably make my skin itch and my eyes twitch and I am secretly hoping you and yours get snuffed out one way or another but since I can't handle that myself I will continue to smile and laugh and go along with the friend charade until that wonderful day when I don't have to know you anymore.
QueenBee // 11:01 AM

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Monday, April 21, 2003:

So last night my friend Lisa called and woke me up around 9... after a few coversation openers (ie: Hello, How are you?, How is work? Etc) she began to badger me about men/women. That's all fine and good, since that is pretty much all we ever talk about, but last nights inquiry was a little different. It went as follows...

L: So, are you seeing anyone?
B: Well, yeah, I 'see' people all of the time.
L: *skeptic pause* I said see people... not sleep with people.
B: Hey, now, wait just a minute. If I am sleeping with people it is only because you told me to...
L: What?!?
B: Remember, last year you told me that I just had to go out and lose my virginity, so I did?
L: *laughs* Yeah, I meant to sleep with one guy, you ass. Not the entire state of Nevada!

*blinks* Guess I misunderstood...

QueenBee // 12:13 PM

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~The blog of the ever cynical but occasionally humorous QueenBee~

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