QueenBee's blogspot...

Friday, April 11, 2003:

Not all apologies were meant to be made in person. I hope this approach will show my sincerity more than my last attempt.


I have a feeling that these little gnats that I keep seeing all over the house are not gnats at all, but baby mosquitos *shudders* That's why they just won't bloody die and they want to follow people around... I have been having way too many insect-encounters lately, the largest being the little stowaway I met this afternoon on my way to work... Picture B driving on the freeway, rocking out to the Smashing Pumpkins, when out of fucking nowhere a moth the size of God comes shooting out from the backseat to the area of the dash right in front of her face. She gasps in shock (ie: screams like a two year old in a room full of clowns) and proceeds to roll down both windows. The force of air was enough to not only ruin B's hair, but to cause permanent hearing impairment, so she figures it must have sucked the moth of death out into the sky... she continues her drive to work, albeit paranoid, feeling relieved. But once she parks and gets out of her car the evil moth comes fluttering out of a nook in her hoodie and gives B one last face attack before sailing away on a dirty Vegas breeze... And people say moths are just like motherfucking butterflies... eat me.

Speaking of "eat"-I am completely addicted to Tofutti Cuties.

QueenBee // 2:29 AM


Thursday, April 10, 2003:

Due to the slight depression I experienced today because of Chris (see previous entry) I decided to have an emotionally-well-deserved sugar binge... so here I am halfway through a box of snack sized ice cream sandwiches when I decide to finally read said box. Tofutti Cuties... that's right. Tofutti... I just ingested about a pint of tofu 'ice cream'... damn Chris. And damn my father for feeling the urge to buy teeny healthy milk and lactose and butterfat free desserts derived from the flavorless and blubbery toxic waste also known as tofu.

Damn them both to hell.

And damn my mother for not being around so I could wish her a Happy Birthday to her face...

QueenBee // 2:25 AM


Wednesday, April 09, 2003:

If I were to be the first to speak, I would lose. Which means that I cannot, logically, tell him what goes through my mind when I see him in the hall or sitting at his desk. I can’t tell him that I think he looks wonderful now that he is slimming down a bit and I can’t tell him that I miss the way I make him smile and laugh. I certainly can’t tell him that sometimes when I think of him I can still smell his skin and feel his touch, he was always so gentle. I do wish that I could tell him these things, but it just wouldn’t be in my best interest, because then I would lose this whole game and this reign of terror thing that I have going on with him, and that is not something I am ready to give up. It is much easier to pretend I hate him then to show that I love him, and you can take that into whatever context you like. I am just not willing to be annoyed or hurt or exhausted by him any longer… I don’t want to try anymore with him, because he’ll never give up his drug of choice, his ex-wife. But if he had I swear things would be different, wonderful different, I would have been better for him then even he could ever imagine, because he meant that much to me… for a while he was my drug of choice :) Don’t get me wrong, though, he’s already been replaced, but I still get that pang of emotion sometimes when I see him. I definitely got it this afternoon when I got to work, which is why I am writing about it…

But I am highly content with the person in my life now, it took me a long time to find someone I could be myself around and I am not about to let that go. I can’t say it is a relationship or even much more than a friendship, but it is exactly what I need. He’s just about everything I could want… and I’d like to thank him for every second and every smile and every kindness that he has given me, and I want to let him know that he truly is something special and I am glad that I badgered him into speaking to me *wink*

But now on another un-mushy note that will sound more like something B would say, there is a hot girl sitting behind me and she is wearing a rainbow shirt… Oy, the temptation.

QueenBee // 3:48 PM


Monday, April 07, 2003:

I let go of the marionette strings because the puppets had begun to bite my fingers, snipping at them with their tiny wooden mouths, cracking the suface of my skin with razorblade teeth. With my bloody hands I reached up towards the sky and grasped the sun, holding it tight as it singed my fingers back to cleanliness. I pushed the flaming ball into my mouth and felt the flesh in my face sizzle and melt, and my smile began to drip like candle wax. I swallowed that sun, and felt nothing more than peace as it torched me from the inside out, and my last glimpse in life was of the puppets dancing upon my oozing skin, gnashing their teeth in spite at their fallen leader...
QueenBee // 2:47 AM


Sunday, April 06, 2003:

I think I have mono *glares angrily at most recent kissing partner* Maybe not really, but all the same I am sick. As in quite sick. As in called in Wednesday to work, called in Friday night to David's for babysitting, and considering calling in tomorrow due to the fact that I still can't sleep for the cold sweats, headaches, and violent vomitting... sorry for the visuals (as if anyone is getting them, no one reads this motherfucker but me) but being on the computer is better than hovering over the toilet, and I figure no audience is better than getting up close and personal with porcelain again. I am chewing 4 sticks of original flavored Trident to kombat the nausea because I am refusing to go to the doctor to get real medicine... Why? I could feed you some bullshit like I couldn't get an appointment this whole week or all of my local doctors don't take my insurance... or I could be honest and say that I can't afford it and even if I could I don't really want to know what I have... I think only Kyria would understand that right there... *grimace* Just pray for me, please... no joke. I need that. Anyway... I am feeling another shock wave o' sickness coming on, I am going to go lay in "bed" (ie: The bathmat in the upstairs bathroom. Not as uncomfortable as it sounds... I am using a hand towel as a pillow)
QueenBee // 5:07 AM


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~The blog of the ever cynical but occasionally humorous QueenBee~