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Thursday, March 27, 2003:

You know that feeling that you get after you sleep with someone that you had never wanted to sleep with in the first place because they are just too unbelieveably awful to even put into words?

Yeah, that is how I feel each night after I leave work.

QueenBee // 5:04 PM


I got a wake up call this morning from Megan, who had been my best friend at Cross Creek. Meg lives in New Jersey and this was just the second time that I have spoken to her since I last saw her in person on April 20th, 2000. We generally keep in touch through snail mail… Anywho, she asked me this morning if I had anyone special in my life. I haven’t had that good of a laugh since I don’t know when. I thought about Chris, and about the fact that because of him I now know that no matter how kind and sweet and gentle a man appears to be they are really all evil and manipulative and hardcore assholes from the depths of hell underneath it all. Women just don’t realize this at first because we get so blinded by their cuteness and their ability to make us feel special. She said she was sorry, that she knew what I meant and she often wondered herself why she is still with Devin, her boyfriend of two years. She began to get into her own relationship and she dwelled on the good things rather than the bad which made me think of those boys I know who actually have real and genuine feelings for me, whether or not I reciprocate them makes little difference. I thought about how different it is to be touched by someone who adores you compared to someone you just hang with because of mutual convenience. You can almost feel their nervousness through their fingertips and see in their eyes that at certain moments they want nothing more than to hold you the way that they think you deserve to be held, and just keep holding on forever. And you know in your heart that they are a person with whom you could have a wonderful and blossoming relationship but because of your own reasons (lack of attraction, fear of actual feelings and the aftermath that seems to follow every relationship you ever get into, etc.) you keep your distance. And doing so you create an unfortunate and obvious gap within the friendship itself and eventually even that opportunity for love or what-have-you will pass and again you’ll be alone. Not truly alone, though. You will have the men you want to be with on one side and the men that want to be with you on the other and nothing will come of a relationship with either type of individual. That kind of alone. I really just think the perfect relationship for me would be to marry both of the twins from Good Charlotte- that way I could have the best of both sides. The hot one, the one with all of the piecings and the tattoos and the attitude and everything I could really fucking go for in a man, including the appearance of emotional instability (which apparently is something I subconsciously adore in men) And the other one, the one with the soulful eyes and the kind words and the ability to love me forever no matter how much I slept with his brother. That would be just perfect :) I swear I would never ask for anything ever again, and I wouldn’t complain about men anymore…
QueenBee // 3:05 PM


Wednesday, March 26, 2003:

Prepare for the vent-tation...


Storage? You put hours of thought and emotion and construction into storage? Even I kept that poorly-cut-magazine-clipping-pasted-printer-paper-booklet from hell that you sent me- you know, the story of our relationship? At least mine was worth something, you dork. At least I have some semblance of artistic talent and I don’t try and fool myself by attending some up-and-up art school where daddy foots the bill… At least I can spell “nature” for God’s sakes! Do you know what it took for me to get you that collage? Do you know I framed that and wrapped that and drove to your motherfucking state to deliver that to you, only to have you too busy with homo-drama to take the time out to accept it? And I forgave you for that?!? And then when you finally did open it in the hotel sitting there on that stupid toilet in the bathroom and you were so fucking happy it was worth every pain in my ass that you have ever caused me and things were just bloody wonderful… and then I get an email from her (cuz for one reason or another you don’t have the guts to write me yourself) and she tells me you put it in storage! You infuriate me. Really. You do. I like her better than I like you and even that ain’t saying much… I know I am not perfect but I would never in a million years put your memory up on a shelf, I can still own up to what it was that you meant to me. One day you’re going to realize that and when you do the only thing you’re going to be able to do is cry to a dusty old piece of art that you’ve let rot in a storage unit. And what then, bitch?


*sigh* Thanks for listening...

QueenBee // 6:24 PM


Tuesday, March 25, 2003:

I got so angry this afternoon that I apparently tricked my body into thinking I had PMS and now I am bleeding all over the place. Karma is a bitch :(
QueenBee // 4:39 PM


Sunday, March 23, 2003:

I went out last night with a few friends. Bah… let’s clarify. I went out last night with an old crush, an ex-coworker, and my best friend. As a quick background I have known Christy since I was 4 and she was 5. We met on opposite street corners, neither one of us old enough to cross the street yet. Casey is the old crush, he worked here in Dell CS where I drooled over him all of the time. He moved to AZ where he now is a body piercer. Frank just got fired about 2 months ago and he now works in the huge motherfucking magnet store in the Forum Shops at Caesars Palace. So anyway, my evening began by picking up Christy (who lives about a half a block from Chris’s house so I know one day he is going to look outside as I am driving by to pick her up and think I am stalking him… I am not) and she and I drove down to that big souvenir shop by the Stratosphere and picked up Casey and Frank. We went and got Starbucks and then went and walked the Forum Shops where Frank bought me a yard-tall peach margarita. Yes, I did drink the whole thing and yes, I do have very low tolerance so yes, I was laughing a lot and having to lean on Casey part of the time to keep from falling down as we cruised the Strip. By the time we got back to the car Christy was in the drivers seat, Frank in the passengers, and I in the back laying down on Casey. We semi-cuddled. I was happy; drunk but happy. She drove us back to the souvenir place where we dropped the boys off, Casey is coming to work tonight to see me because he is going back to AZ tomorrow, which will be nice. As Christy and I drove home I told her over and over how much I loved her and how she had always been my true best friend, I think that she thought I had just had way too much to drink but I really meant it, and by that time I was as sober as I could be in that circumstance. When I got home and got into bed Michael called me. Michael is my new friend whom I had met through Chris, at least one damned good thing came out of all of that aggravation. We talked for over an hour about him and his love life and me and mine. We talked about that stupid ass ugly motherfucking cow of an ex-wife that Chris has, and I felt so much better after I got off the phone that I did not even have a nightmare last night. I suppose I exorcised all of my Brittania and Chris demons, so I felt more at peace :) Anyway, I love Michael. Love him. I think everyone should have their very own Michael :) I am very lucky, I realized, that I have so many wonderful friends starting to creep up from out of the shadows. I don’t know what I would do without them here with me, and I thank God for them all. The end…
QueenBee // 3:24 PM


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