QueenBee's blogspot...

Saturday, March 15, 2003:

His final answer was also his last answer. His last decision. I am done with him. And I mean that. I mean that with every ounce of decisiveness within me that I can muster. When someone (a 22 year old male someone, nonetheless) choses video games over women there is something seriously wrong with them, and I am not about to subject myself to falling even further for someone like that. That in itself was the absolute last straw after a string of warnings, he knew what he was doing and unless he was is completely retarded he also knew the consequences. So I am going to leave him where he is at, in a dead end relationship based on lies from him and ignorance from her, settled on the foundation of a nasty past. Fuck 'em. He'll realize what he is missing out on and when he does he'll have no one to turn to but that pathetic excuse of a wife. And that is just fine with me... I have better things to do (as well as better people to do) with my life. So goodbye, Chris, I wish I could say it was fun while it lasted but I would only be lying to save you from further insult, but I rather feel like insulting you right now- it is your turn to be disregarded.
QueenBee // 5:15 PM


Friday, March 14, 2003:

(Are you happy now, asshole?)
1. He is inconsiderate.
2. He is virtually useless to me, and I mean that in every semi-romantic way possible.
3. He does things on purpose.
4. His memory is worse than mine.
5. I think he likes Courtney, and one of his friends told me he is dating other people besides his wife anyway, so I am not sure where his paranoia about seeing me comes from. He once blamed it on wanting a relationship rather than just being my "friend" so he thought we'd better just cool it all together, since the relationship thing was an impossibility at the time. I don't even know what other girls see in him now. That is myself included...
I have more rants, but I need to get going because I have to babysit tonight. All I want to add is he had better as hell be there next week and make up for putting me through this shit for the last few months... and I mean that. Bah... men.

QueenBee // 4:20 PM


Thursday, March 13, 2003:

You know when you think that you know that you feel a certain way about a certain someone and then they go out and do something that makes you question what you thought you felt? Yeah, well… I do.
QueenBee // 6:43 PM


Wednesday, March 12, 2003:

I am not mad, exactly. More annoyed that things are not going in the direction that I would like them to. I have been working for this company for nearly two years and I am still an agent, ripping my hair out of my skull in theory, wishing that I had the sense to take the jobs that I have been offered since I started here. I know it is my own doing, who in their right mind keeps going to work when they dread going to sleep the night before knowing that they have to show up to that job the very next day? That is insane. Literally… The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I guess, on that principle, I am insane about this man, too. I talk to him about things over and over and he reacts the same way- “Whatever.”, “Yeah, okay…”, “I see.” And despite my frustration with his reactions to my openness (I feel I would get more understanding from a Yorkshire Terrier) I continue to let him in and spill my guts, thinking one day it will make a difference and he’ll see what it is he’s missing. That will most certainly never happen, so I take what I can get when I can get it. A coffee date here, a late night visit there- all at my expense, of course. So while I realize that I am basically putting myself through the ringer with him emotionally, I keep coming back for more. Absolutely nuts. I wrote Shayla last night and told her that I wished she were still here complaining about him so that I could hate him on her behalf :) I know, I know… “yeah, whatever, I see.” Anyway, my father is still pressuring me to seek counseling. He feels that I need someone to talk to. I guess I am starting to remind him of that girl he knew 4 years ago who when she was at home, if she came home at all, either locked herself in her room like a princess waiting to be rescued or threw horrid and awful tantrums that inevitably led to violence. These days I keep mostly to myself, mainly due to my schedule at work, but every once in a while I blow up. Though I am told I am just overly sensitive I think that I have a right to lose it on occasion, given the circumstances. My life really sucks. Take a room full of people, gather their largest problems together, and you have me. Think about it. Drugs, alcoholism, child abuse and neglect, overbearing religeon, denied sexuality, imprisonment, harassment, low self esteem, death, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. And I am not whining, just pointing out the fact that I need to let it all out once in a while in order to feel sane. I spent a long time being too grown up and uptight for my age, I am just now getting to turn back the biological clock here. I feel more like 40 than 60 now, which is a major improvement for someone who has not yet reached her 20th birthday. Oy… on another (and final) note, my good friend Tricia is coming in from Illinois in two weeks to celebrate her 21st birthday here in Vegas. I am all too excited :) I plan on taking her to dinner and then I hope to be able to take her to Hamburger Mary’s where one of my friend’s brother performs as a Drag Queen. I am a little nervous to see her because she knew me back at CCM. Back at a time where everything I said and did was funny and I was loved and accepted and, in my own way, popular. Now that I have been sucked dry of all of those good traits I am not quite sure how I am going to behave around her. I just hope she still likes me.
QueenBee // 4:48 PM


Sunday, March 09, 2003:

Last night at a big family dinner my father announced that he has plans to take us on a small family vacation to San Francisco this June. When I got overly excited my sister nudged me hard in the ribs and hissed "There gonna catch on, you know." Oh, the agony of being a gay Baptist.
QueenBee // 1:33 PM


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~The blog of the ever cynical but occasionally humorous QueenBee~