Friday, February 06, 2004:
No matter who you are or what we spoke about in the last conversation we had, I need to let you know that I am doing significantly better than I was the last time you and I spoke. I am happier, though not healthier by any means, but that is something I can get through. I have found love and while holding on to it seems to be an almost daily struggle it is entirely worth it. I am back in school and feeling very confident about all of my courses and work is better than ever, I could not ask for anything more, professionally, and I truly am lucky to work for the people I do. My family and I seem to be closer, my friends seem to be more receptive to my needs (and hopefully they can say the same about me) and I see a bright future ahead.
A future that I need to move on to.
And so I am doing that. Moving on.
And in doing so I am leaving quite a bit behind, including this blog.
I have no desire to keep this up. There is nothing more to say that has not already been said. Except I love you, and thank you for loving me.
QueenBee // 11:21 PM
Monday, January 26, 2004:
Wherever you are, I hope you can see me.
I hope that whoever is in charge where you're at lets you watch me go through life and experience, in your own way, how things are where I am. I hope that seeing how my life has unfolded thus far makes your stomach turn and your skin itch... I hope it causes you pain. I hope your heart is as broken as mine is... I hope that you're able to tell that all the horridness in my life has grown from seeds of hatred and abandonement and emptiness that you planted and that, because of what you've done, I will never really be a person. Not one who can love and trust and feel the normal way... Oh no, not me. My emotions are all retarded and fucked up, and it's because of you. I hope that you realize that.
If you do, and I were you, I'd probably feel like killing myself all over again.
QueenBee // 5:24 PM
Sunday, January 18, 2004:
Though I realize it has been over a month since my last post, I truly had no intention of writing in this again, that is until I received a death treat via email from a deranged friend who apparently likes to hear what I have to say. So much, in fact, that she is willing to injure me if I don't update- so here's your update, psycho.
Last night my boyfriend and I celebrated our Christmas together... don't ask. I had gotten a room up at the Mt. Charleston Lodge (hotel) and during yesterday afternoon my friend, Christy, and I went up there and decorated it with assorted presents and filled a sink with ice and a six pack of Sam Adam's and got our asses out of there so I could go pick up the boyfriend. Now, as far as Nick knew we were just going to dinner at the lodge and then returning to my house for present exchanging- I had told him my father was out of town. He was fully prepared for our dinner date (which went exceptionally well, by the way) but was caught quite off guard when we were "leaving" the lodge. We got in the car and I pulled out of the parking spot and began to drive off, making like we were getting out of there and going home. But just as we were about to get out of the parking lot I stoped and turned around. "Damnit," I said. "I forgot something, hand me my purse..." Thinking I meant my cell phone or debit card he quickly obliged as I pulled in a parking place closer to the hotel- he asked what was wrong. From my purse I produced the room key. "What's that?" he asked me. I pointed to the far left side of the building and said "See those rooms over there?" He just looked at me... "We have one." The look on his face was all I needed to see in order to know that this had been worth all of the lying and scheming and cash spending which was necessary to pull a stunt like that off. I am still pleased with myself :) Our night was wonderful... absolutely wonderful. We exchanged presents and spent the rest of the evening acting like a couple in love, then slept like babies and topped it all off with breakfast in front of a snow capped mountain this morning. My gifts from him were perfect, by the way... a kick ass DVD player which can play pirated movies (also compliments of my criminal boyfriend) a sushi making kit complete with a beautiful instruction book, pneenk panfer snocks (pink panther socks) and angel socks, and a lovely silver necklace with the letter "B" on it. Perfect. I could not have asked for more, and I could not ask for a better person to have spent the last 8 months with, and I thank God for this relationship every day. I finally get to experience what being in love with someone is like, the good and the bad parts of it, and it is 110% worth all the shit I had to go through to get to this point.
Aside from that I begin school on January 26th, wish me luck there, and I get my own computer hooked up in my room tomorrow. Life is good. Well, I am gonna go now, Nugget is about to get here and I haven't seen her all weekend... Whoever you are remember I love and miss you, write or call if you need anything... B
QueenBee // 10:44 PM
Wednesday, December 17, 2003:
My father hates me.
My dog died.
I swallowed part of my tongue ring.
I put my boyfriend in overdraft.
I somehow put myself into overdraft, too.
and I still would like to bludgeon her with a paperweight.
This has not been my week.
QueenBee // 10:11 AM
Friday, December 12, 2003:
Today's a better day.
It's Kevin's 24th birthday, anyway.
I sent the guy an email just to wish him a good one.
He wrote back.
I dunno how I feel about that.
QueenBee // 4:10 PM
Thursday, December 11, 2003:
I would love to say that I don't give a fuck and that I won't let them get to me, but I could totally kill someone right now.
QueenBee // 4:15 PM
Friday, December 05, 2003:
BOYFRIEND : Check your email. Please. And turn your phone back on, will ya? I miss your voice...
THE REST OF THE WORLD : I am tired. Emotionally. I need to go out and do something tonight when I get off but knowing me I will probably go to Nick’s house and try to convince him to speak with me. I goofed… I goofed just big enough to cause drama. I’d like to fix it rather than just get my mind off of it, but if getting my mind off of it was the route I wanted to take I would accept Ron’s invitation to attend a party he’d having this evening. Yeah. Another party. Sheesh… I don’t think that I have recovered enough from the last get-together to go tonight, though. Then again my glasses are at his house and his leather jacket is in my car so I suppose I could stop by to do a quick trade but I have no real desire to spend time with those people right now. If I can get my Nick to forgive me I might ask him to drive with me down there and do that quick exchange, then take him to sushi, and then stay at his house and in the morning he can go with me to get my piercing done… he wants to watch. But those are *T*E*N*T*A*T*I*V*E* plans until I can convince him to love me again. And I think that's going to be harder than it has been before. Wish me luck...
QueenBee // 3:51 PM